I don’t know what God is or what he doing in my llife but i do know he or she is there.  I am not suppose to be here i should be dead with all the things i have done and have had happened to me in my life time. I’m only 25 and not quite there yet but i know I’m ready and willing.  For what i ask?  I don’t know that either but i do know there something that I’m suppose to do.  you know you ever get that feeling of like “your supposed to be here for a reason”. that’s how my whole life is.

My step mother was never there for me but i loved her. my Dad was never there for me but i loved him to.  I just met my mom after a 15 year bit of lies and deceit on both sides of the family.  i practice in devil worshiping and then was baptized in vain by my aunt ina Catholic church.  i gave my life up to jesus in jail for stealing a car and 800 $ and was made to look like a heathen because i was gay.  Jail sucked but it was a LEARNING experience.  its funny all those preacher looking at me like a joke and a sinner cause i was gay THEN was not!  i was confused. i thought god did  not care who you were as long as you were with him.  Anyways im still gay and after jail i went to live the moms.  I dont know what happened between my dad and my mom.  one side says they had a fight then the military kicked her out of guam. i guess in the 80s it was big on the miltary to go for the man then the women if there were any domestic dispute.  they just kicK them out.  then my Aunt and uncles who i lived with after my dad left us he never came back because we were bad kids i guess.  any way they told us our mother was dead and that we would never know her.  then there was another time they told us she was committing insurance fraud and claimed she was dead.  So she still alive.  anyways Where does God fit in all this. i dont know

As a child my step mom would beat us over nothing and that if i were or my brother ever got into any trouble she would beat us then wait till our dad got home a bitch and bitch at him until he beat us. being a coward i see.  I remember one time i left my window open so people could here me outside but that never worked.  we had a cop living next door to us to.  when i lived in Germany as a Little kid my step mom and dad forgot our birthday and feed us Burger king to me and my twin and put a candle o half the burger and said Happy birth day boys.  what do i think about that i don’t know!  i remember my step mom went to Vancouver for the holidays and our dad brought oer his girlfriend and i had my first ROOTbeer float.  God watched over us!

my life was screw and sorry and i never felt bad about it.  I feel as though i have no shame anymore. my life became learning about me and God.  Sometimes i think I’m god and i live here to feel all these thought and dreams one could feel. 

I remember cutting myself not to hurt but just to fill it.  I have a scar on my left arm that says”sid”.  i don’t know why i did that but my friend when i was 17 had one like that tated on is arm. i loved that kid allot.  I was kicked out of my house and living with a bunch of friends. i still went to school.  me and my friend brain would go to stores and still lots of robo tussiun and drink the heel out of them with our friend and reach a certain platto and just zone.  i saw demons and Angles fight and my life took a leap into the other side of reality. 

i was the prince of thieves.  when i lived in Germany i stole my first candy bar and my brother snitched on me and told my step mother and then preceded to eat it in front of me with my other to brother.  when we lived in Kansas me and my bros would steal from the local store and then get chased down.  i guess i would what you called being poor.  i learned from my lesson and KARMA a BITCH!!!

i always cooked for myself and fended for myself. my dad was hardly there after they divorced each other.  funny story.

it was like a tornado drill and we all ducked for cover and then my day comes home and a big fight start to break out.  then our step ask for our home number he gives the wrong one and my bro calls it. that’s all she wrote.  i went to visit her at her hotel before she mmoved.  I started to cry when i hugged her good bye. i road 2miles home on a bike at the age of 14 not knowing what was really going on.  a lady that was a crue woman toward us and i still loved her! why did i go back what was i missing, what the hell was the matter with me.

life got better after ward but for the worst though.  more staling dads still never there.  its like he gave birth to kids and we were then raised by wolves.  he had two girls under is thumb now.  and were got bad and then worst to the point of going to jail and getting kicked out of Kansas till we were 18 thats when he dropped us off at our Aunt and uncle house.

 Try en-stilling rules into wild kids living in a government based home where your uncle is a fema rep and ex cia employee.  the aunt is a FEMA rep to and works ith a bunch of committee. 

i have to stop right here though………….

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